Winter is coming, and I’m nervous, S.A.D (Seasonal Affective Disorder) is real, and to top it off I have been slowly succumbing to the very real invisible load of motherhood. I have effectively been battling this giant for almost twelve years and it has finally caught up with me, now I feel like it’s killing me.

If you are a mom and don’t immediately recognize the expression “invisible load,” I can guarantee you are more familiar with it than you believe. You know all those things that you do, the things that go unnoticed – but if you stopped doing them would immediately be felt by the entire household? All those intricacies that keep everyone comfortable, aligned, balanced and organized. The things that everyone thinks happen magically and are necessary but after you put that last kid in bed (for the third time) leaves you screaming in a pillow or sobbing uncontrollably in the closet because you are exhausted and overwhelmed.

For example…

Making sure your family is social, planning and attending get-togethers, knowing your kids’ friend’s names along with the names of their parents, remembering to send thank you cards, managing the family calendar while avoiding conflicts. Changing out the seasonal clothing and knowing when and where to donate or pass on to a friend. doling out punishments and restrictions. Changing rules as they age out, figuring out what is appropriate for them to watch or listen to, what apps they can or can not have. If you have children with any special needs like myself, prepping the kiddos for the blood draws and extra doctor appointments. Explaining why and how every step of the way. Keeping up with vaccines, Lysoling all the doorknobs and light switch cover during flu season. Planning dinner, snacks, and lunches making sure the kids aren’t overindulging in trash food. Fostering healthy habits. Knowing who is going to fight you at dinner because they hate carrots. When was the last time their nails were clipped, hair cut? Coordinating with teachers, making sure no one is falling behind, staying up to date on class goings-on, pick up and drop off logistics, encouraging practices for music, sports, and other extracurriculars. Overseeing the homework they gave you but not forgetting that there is likely [all] the things they “forgot” about in their backpacks or posted in a Google classroom. Assisting with projects, all those last-minute pickups of supplies for class parties. Taking a mental note of who the “cool kid” and the bully at each of your kid’s schools. Who are the positive influences and who you kid avoided at the last birthday party? Managing social media activity and balancing screen time, navigating trends (good, bad and ugly), worrying about and then explaining the latest and ongoing tragedies of the world.

This ladies and gentlemen is the invisible load of motherhood. Most people would be tired just reading this list very abridged list. If you are a mom, this is just a day in the life, nothing surprising here. You (mama) also understand this doesn’t even scratch the surface of what you think about daily. Every mom carries it. Its weight can vary day to day but it never lets up. I didn’t even delve into the psychological and emotional needs of a family. Am I disciplining enough? Am I disciplining too little? How much time have I spent with each of my children individually? How do I help my babies cope with anxieties and anger individually? Which of the kids needs extra support right now, who is thriving, who needs an extra push?!

This invisible load that moms carry is not just physical, it is mental and emotional and always exhausting. Attempting to constantly control, define and interpret all the facets of your family life can affect everything from your friendships, your marriage, your sex life, and ultimately your overall mental well-being. These things happen in the background, like a rouge phone app, on top of the typical household duties and I’ll tell you – I’m an equal opportunist when it comes to housework, I don’t believe in gender roles so I do laundry and I fix the leaky toilet, I scrub the toilets and I take the car in for a service. These are some of the more visible things moms do to keep their households are running smoothly and keep their families safe and healthy.

BURNOUT IS AN UNDERSTATEMENT. This stuff is never-ending, some days feel like 15 years and some days I am overjoyed with the thought that I have 4 amazing human beings who never cease to amaze me. I am a freelance designer and photographer who works from home. I have a wonderful and supportive husband who works extra hard to provide for the family and so I do a lot at home on my own. We have four children, daughters 3, 8, 10 and a son who is almost 12. This is our first year with a child in middle school – a big transition for him but I never expected the transition to hit me as hard as it has. On any given day I am a glorified Uber, short-order cook, referee, maid service, a teacher and psychologist. I’m called to drop off instruments at school when they are left behind and also instill in them a sense of responsibility for their actions. Not to mention tending to your friendships and your family relationships, and your marriage. By the time you get to thinking about yourself – it’s hard to imagine even attempting to do anything for yourself outside of just catching your breath. The juggle is real!

These feelings have left my friends and even family wondering where I’ve been, my husband scared; watching me laugh-cry myself into a frenzy, and my closest family checking in to make sure I haven’t run away from home. I’m hiding out because I’m feeling empty; Literally hanging on by a thread but still pour from what feels like an empty pitcher into every member of your beautiful family… even the dog and the cat need individual love and attention. Drained but pushing on I am working on finding ways to combat these feelings and thrive in my day-to-day rather than barely survive.

I’m not writing this with the end-all solution, I’m simply sharing because I know I am not alone. It is reassuring just to know that you are not the only one that isn’t in love with being mommy 24/7, who is struggling to make it through her day-to-day or that the people who look like they have everything together fall apart more often than we realize. Again I’ll say, some days are better than others; some days I put a good face feeling like I’ve got it, other days I am one book bag on the floor from losing my shit. I am doing my best to improve my feeling overwhelmed by sharing more with my husband about things he can help me with as well as trying to make time alone more of a priority. Time to myself isn’t always possible but when I do have a few minutes, I use them to meditate, read or do yoga. I specifically choose these activities because I know even in short doses they have the biggest mental pay off for me.

The trenches of motherhood are real and I imagine the struggle doesn’t get easier but just changes as your children get older, so for me, it’s all about staying vulnerable, introspective, and adjusting my approach to keep the load from crushing me.